Dating
Why Finding the Right Person Feels So Hard.
Most people aren’t bad at dating, they’re just trying to solve the wrong problem. We treat dating like a personality test (“Am I attractive enough? Confident enough?”) when it’s actually a multi-stage process, and each stage punishes completely different mistakes. That one misunderstanding explains why dating feels so confusing, why men and women keep blaming each other, why dating apps feel brutal, and why so much dating advice makes things worse instead of better.
In this episode of Solved, Drew and I break down why modern dating feels so broken, and why it actually isn’t. We dig into the evolutionary psychology behind attraction, why men and women are optimizing for different things, how modern culture and dating apps amplify the worst parts of the system, and the three stages of dating that almost nobody understands. We also talk about confidence, rejection, status, attraction, and why avoiding rejection is often the very thing sabotaging your dating life. If you’ve felt stuck, burned out, or quietly wondering “what the hell is wrong with dating?” — this episode is for you.
- 0:00 Intro
- 5:12 Chapter 1: Why Is Dating So Complicated?
- 11:03 The different challenges men and women face
- 17:18 Facts
- 29:51 What Women Find Attractive
- 38:16 What Men Find Attractive
- 51:27 Chapter 2: A Brief History of Courtship & Dating
- 1:06:10 Modern Dating
- 1:11:41 A Glimmer of Hope: The emerging offline renaissance
- 1:21:37 Chapter 3: Men's and Women's Dating Advice Ecosystems
- 1:31:13 Inside the Male Advice Ecosystem
- 1:44:52 Inside the Female Advice Ecosystem
- 2:02:07 The Collision: Feedback Loops That Break the Market
- 2:21:27 Chapter 4: The Pre-Dating Phase
- 2:36:22 Building Confidence
- 2:37:59 Halo Effect
- 2:53:20 Conclusion Pre Dating
- 2:57:48 Chapter 5: Meeting People and Getting Dates
- 3:11:17 Flirting
- 3:23:15 Reading People
- 3:29:51 Chapter 6: Going on Dates
- 3:38:39 Trustworthiness
- 3:47:09 Conversational Skills
- 3:56:12 Emotional Regulation
- 4:03:03 Boundaries
- 4:09:07 F**k yes or no
- 4:14:44 The 80/20
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References
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- The Descent of Man (1871) by Charles Darwin
- The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
- Sexual Selection
- Natural Selection
- Robert Trivers
- Parental Investment Theory
- Genghis Khan
- Ismail Ibn Sharif
- David Buss (evolutionary psychologist)
- Waist-to-Hip Ratio
- Costly Signaling Theory
- Hypergamy
- Attachment Theory
- Anxious-Avoidant Trap
- Narcissism
- Love Languages (Gary Chapman)
- Jane Austen
- Madame Bovary
- Anna Karenina
- Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
- Pear Ring (Dating Accessory)
- Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW)
- 4B Movement (South Korea Feminist Movement)
- Derek Sivers’ “Hell Yes or No”
- “Fuck Yes or No” (Mark Manson article)
